When Kirk woke up in his hotel room on a bright sunny Easter morning, he heard a bird chirping cheerfully somewhere nearby. He yawned and stretched, turning his head to glance from one side of the room to the other, and feeling quite satisfied when he saw no Peeps anywhere. Maybe those obsessive fanfic writers who had been harassing him with Peepfic for more years than he cared to think about had finally gotten a life.
There was a woman sitting in a chair across the room, wearing a tight black minidress that left little to the imagination. Yes, this morning was definitely getting better and better. She was a slim brunette with a very pale complexion, which didn’t match Kirk’s recollection of the curvy blonde he’d picked up at the bar last night; but then, he had been drunk enough so that he might have overlooked a few details.
Whether or not the woman had been there all night, Kirk thought she seemed pleased to be here now, as she licked her pale lips in what looked like anticipation of a tasty treat. She smiled at Kirk, revealing her even, gleaming front teeth; and then he saw the fangs behind them.
Uh-oh. Looked like the fanfic authors weren’t through with him yet.
“Aren’t you supposed to hunt your prey by night,” Kirk inquired, “and sleep all day in a crypt in a moldering old castle, or something like that?”
“I got here last night, actually, while your blonde tramp was leaving. Or trying to.” The vampire sounded rather bored, as she examined a chip in a glossy black-polished fingernail. “She made an okay dinner, although her blood tasted of cheap draft beer. You ought to buy better quality booze for your dates. As for moldering old castles, I’d say the façade on this hotel qualifies for some sort of architectural horror award.”
Kirk sat up, still trying to make sense of things. His head felt fuzzy from the effects of last night’s alcohol. By now, he was pretty sure the vampire wasn’t hunting him, if she had killed Susie — or was it Sally? — a few hours ago. And she probably wasn’t here just to sleep, either; after all, this room was not a crypt, no matter how awful the hotel’s façade looked. Besides, no woman, at least in fanfic, had ever been able to go straight to sleep while his irresistible bod was anywhere nearby.
Hmmm. Maybe the vampire had been overcome by lust. That would fit the usual pattern of these stories, as well as being a considerable improvement over hortas and grapefruit. He flexed a few muscles, just to gauge the effect on his unexpected visitor.
“You’re probably wondering what I’m doing here. Well, I used to write fanfic,” she informed him, not looking particularly impressed with his flexing. “After all, even a vampire needs a hobby. But your sex addiction got boring after a while, and I took up journalism instead. I decided that I would be the first to interview that mysterious creature of marshmallow lore, the Peep. Obviously, your hotel room on Easter morning was the ideal place to find one.”
The vampire’s gaze left Kirk’s face and focused on a point somewhere behind him. Kirk turned his head and, much to his dismay, found a purple chick perched atop the headboard and watching him with dangerous intentions. As he looked into its little beady eyes, it started the birdlike chirping that had awakened him earlier.
Throwing back the covers, Kirk quickly reached for his clothes. “I hope you have a very productive interview. I’ll just be on my way now…”
“Not so fast, buster.” Without any apparent effort, the vampire shoved him back down again. “We both know that as soon as you leave the room, the Peep will follow you. I don’t think either of us wants that. But I’ll tell you what; I got rather fond of you while I was writing fanfic, and I’ll make you a deal. I’m not very hungry right now, and I can control my urges long enough to finish interviewing the Peep without killing you in the meanwhile — that is, if you don’t get me so excited that I can’t control myself. I won’t let the Peep kill or torture you either. I think that’s quite generous of me. All you have to do is keep your sex addiction in check for an hour or so, and you’ll go completely free.”
Kirk considered this offer. He wouldn’t have to do anything except avoid getting too friendly with an undead, murderous, blood-drinking, fanged, evil female creature of the night. Doesn’t sound like anything too difficult there, he thought, as he gave the vampire a nod to accept her terms.
But then again, the word ‘female’ was in that list.
Switching on a recording device, the vampire began to speak in a clear, measured voice. “Please tell me, Ms. Peep, about your involvement in fanfic and your particular interest in Captain Kirk.”
“My relatives and I have been very popular with the Trekfic authors for years,” the Peep answered, in a high, girlish voice that sounded just like a giddy teenager. “The writers in the alt.startrek.creative newsgroup even had a Peepfic category in their annual awards one year. Whee! As for Kirk, he’s so sexy that he’s like chocolate to the fanfic authors. And we all know how well chocolate goes with marshmallows!”
As the interview continued, getting predictably worse, Kirk barely restrained himself from groaning. The vampire might have promised not to let the Peep torture him; but right now, whether it was doing so was a matter of opinion. And was it really necessary for the Peep to mention sexiness while he was looking at the vampire’s shapely legs?
Think about something else, Kirk ordered himself, turning his gaze toward a nondescript landscape painting on the far wall. Of course, that was much easier said than done, especially for a man who thought about sex an average of 15.2 times per minute (Spock had compiled that statistic during a mindmeld a few years ago).
No matter how much Kirk tried, his thoughts kept returning irresistibly to memories of delightful dalliances with space bimbos. Some of them had colder skin than his, and sharper teeth, and unusual diets; besides which, not all of them had filled out a minidress as well as his vampire guest. Wasn’t he being just a bit species-centric in assuming that she wouldn’t make a suitable girlfriend? All he had to do, Kirk thought, was to convince her that she really didn’t want to drink his blood. That shouldn’t be too hard for a man of his diplomatic talents. Anyway, after she had enjoyed the pleasures of sex with the legendary Captain Kirk, surely — like all women of his fanfic acquaintance — she would want to keep him around for more of the same.
While the Peep chattered on about its favorite companions in a well-decorated Easter basket, Kirk lost all ability to restrain himself. He reached out and squeezed the vampire’s nicely rounded rump as she walked past him. Her flesh didn’t seem all that cold through the fabric, he thought. She turned toward him and smiled, her teeth shining brightly.
“I was beginning to think you’d never ask, Jim.”
Then she was in his bed, kissing and stroking him, the minidress discarded on the floor. The Peep still sat on the headboard, watching with an avid curiosity befitting its name; but by now Kirk didn’t care. The vampire’s cold tongue pressed into his mouth, arousing him beyond all reason, as she straddled him and got down to business with gleeful abandon. He couldn’t remember the last time it had felt so good — though, to be honest, he couldn’t remember his date last night — but all too soon it was over. The vampire cuddled him possessively, her long fingers playing with his hair.
“Now it’s time for my forfeit.”
Before Kirk could do anything, the vampire — still straddling his body — had bitten him. She held his arms down easily with her knees, while gripping his head so tightly that he couldn’t move it at all. With her other hand, she held his shoulders flat. Kirk could do nothing to resist as the vampire greedily drained his life’s blood from his throat. Above him, the Peep had started giggling in evident appreciation of the spectacle. Of all the fanfic indignities, Kirk thought that it would be the worst, by far, if that horrid sound were to be the last thing he ever heard.
******
The vampire would have purred with a deep and abiding satisfaction, if it had been possible to purr while enjoying Kirk’s very delicious blood. She didn’t really intend to kill him; it would be just too unfair to deprive the fanfic community of future opportunities for sport, and besides, she really wasn’t hungry enough to drink that much of his blood. But of course, Kirk didn’t need to know that just yet.