The True Outer Space Magical Adventures of Lieutenant Kitty

Author: Jungle Kitty


Contact: jkitty (at) Feedback is welcome!

Series: TOS/LOTR crossover

Codes: K/Kitty, Mary Sue parody

Rating: PG-13

Archive: ASC, BLTS, and WWOMB yes, all others please ask

Summary: The title says it all.

Thanks to Wildcat for beta and great suggestions, Lori for beta and vast knowledge of LOTR, Gil Shalos for hir incredible and inspiring list of MS-isms, and Ventura33 for wanting more of a crossover.

(c) 2002 Jungle Kitty. This work of parody is not intended to infringe upon the rights of the owners of Star Trek, Lord of the Rings, or other works of J.R.R. Tolkien.



Part 1


Have arrived on the Enterprise. Yay! Transporter too much fun. All tingly afterwards.

Met lots of people, not many aliens though. Everyone very friendly, esp. men.

I have the biggest boobs on the ship. Yeoman Rand *so* jealous.

Note to self: Order Domestications catalog. Redecorating mandatory. Quarters uglier than Moria.

Oops! Better make this a *secret* diary.

Note to self: Put “keep out” spell on diary.


Decided to use “Speak friend” for diary password. Still laughing over Gandalf freezing his butt off trying to figure that one out.

Got duty assignment, document production just as hoped. Was afraid they wouldn’t need me. Wrong! Starfleet templates a mess and XML conversion positively primitive. Fixed all this morning and Captain Kirk so pleased, asked me to redesign screen displays. Layout, fonts, colors, graphics, icons–all mine! LCARS *so* jealous.

Re: Captain Kirk. What a hotty!


Big scare today! First Officer has pointed ears! Yikes!

Doesn’t look Elven otherwise, but if trying to pass, ears a dead giveaway. Fade into West = Join Starfleet? Don’t think so. Must investigate. Would love to know where he got dreamy blue eyeshadow.

Locked Rand in the bathroom–oops, I mean head. Tee hee! Love military talk–so cute. Anyway, locked R. in head and took duty roster to bridge myself. Captain smiled at me when he signed it. *SWOON*

I think he noticed my boobs.

Oh, Kitty, be honest! How could he miss them? 😀


First Officer (named Spock per nurse making goo-goo eyes at him) didn’t want to talk about eyeshadow. Definitely not an Elf. Kinda too bad. Elves always fun and bitchy. Middle Earth duller than Nebraska since Elves faded into West. Wish someone had thought that out more carefully beforehand.


Letter from Arwen. Didn’t think *she’d* write. Says she misses family since all faded into West. (Guess I don’t count, only being a couple of universes away.) Gondor sounds boring as ever. (Too bad about Gondor. Used to have great club scene, now rolling up the cobblestones at eight since Elves faded into West. Absence of Evil probably not helping. Sometimes miss Saruman. Great dancer and not as stuffy as Gandalf.)

Went to rec hall at end of shift. Uhura singing and flirting with Spock. Felt bad for her. Throwing self at accompanist = desperate and doesn’t care who knows it.

*So* not wanting to see more of Charlie X’s card tricks.


Saved the ship today! Ratted C.X. out to his keepers. Still can’t believe no one else saw through him. Everyone knows you can’t trust a teenage boy.

Scotty hitting on me. Puhleeze! No, I do not want to see what he keeps under his kilt.


Word has gotten around that I have lovely singing voice. While signing fuel consumption report, Captain asked me to sing at Christmas party.

What to wear?


Neutral Zone patrol. Finally had a chance to catch up on important stuff. Slept in and spent entire day on beauty regimen. Starship duty almost as tough on complexion as Quest for One Ring. But lack of Goldberry’s Waterlily Lotion is no reason to stop trying.

And must look my best for Christmas party!


Great Christmas party! Everyone in love with me. Wore silver evening gown, hair down and flowing in graceful waves. (Hate having long hair, but no choice after solemn oath on One Ring not to let anyone cut it except Legolas. Knew that was dumb idea, but Legolas such a big drama queen and how else get last-minute appointment?)

Sang “Santa Baby,” but made it sad and meaningful. Everyone teary. Even Spock blew his nose.

Sulu requested Enya song. Told him didn’t know any. Had enough of that to last til the next Age.

Danced with Captain. Afterwards felt more tingly than transporter. 😀

Helen Noel *so* jealous.

DAY 10

Letter from Gandalf. Has returned to Gondor “just in case Aragorn needs any help.” (Big buttinsky. Knew his fading into West too good to last.) Long boring “reminder” to keep quiet about Hobbits, Elves, dwarves, rings, yadda yadda yadda.

Give me a break! I signed a non-disclosure agreement before leaving Middle Earth. (Probably still mad that I turned down seat on Council of Wizards, but color assignment unfair and insulting. Kitty the Ecru? No, thank you.)

Being Lt. way more fun than being half-Elven princess. And people in charge *much* more appreciative of me, esp. Captain James Too-sexy-for-words Kirk. Relieved me of all duties not related to singing and staying beautiful. Uhura *so* jealous.

Garrovick hitting on me. Kinda cute, but hair too greasy. And red shirt a total turn-off. Live fast, die young, leave me alone.

DAY 11

Glad to be out of document production. Heard Starfleet considering downgrade to HTML 3 compatibility. Idiots. Even Orcs use style sheets.

Made sure my boobs were extra perky and went to the bridge. Captain *very* glad to see me. 😀

Sang “My Heart Will Go On.” Had him sign my eighth-grade report card. So glad he never reads those things.

DAY 12

Fainted in turbolift after too much singing. Luckily, Captain was there to catch me. Would have carried me to sickbay, but stupid Klingons attacked. Excused me from battle stations very nicely. *Love* how he always signs his full name, even in a hurry.

Sickbay = boring. Bed uncomfortable, food inedible, nurses bitchy, no fashion magazines to read, patient gown with bows at shoulders super-icky. But have lots of time to brush my hair.

Chapel made snippy remark about fainting to get attention. And after I was so sympathetic last week when she fainted in front of Spock and he let her fall flat on her face. Have decided not to tell her about being long-lost half-sister. Will keep yummy, tragic past to myself for now.

Chekov came to sickbay, very concerned. Sweet, but not my type. Pretended to be asleep.

DAY 13

Letter from Aragorn. Found out about Starfleet salary, cut off my allowance! (King of Gondor royal pain in the butt, even for half-brother. Wonder if Arwen put him up to it? Probably jealous of me traveling while she never gets out of Gondor except to help rebuild Shire. Have to laugh when think of Arwen digging holes with Habitat for Halflings.)

Bright spot of the day: Captain brought damage reports to sickbay so I could hand them to him to sign. Nurses *so* jealous.

DAY 14

Out of sickbay at last. Surprise “welcome back” gift from Captain: Much nicer room–oops, quarters–right next to his! Bigger closet and king-size bed. Sauna in shower great for complexion.

Would it be too forward of me to build a connecting door?

DAY 15

Saved the ship today! Captain very pleased, even more so when I insisted he take credit for my idea. Have to wonder about SF Academy curriculum. In case of emergency, break glass and cold-start fusion engines. Thought everyone knew that.

Spock looking at me funny, but don’t think it’s love. Hope not, not after witnessing big boo-hooing Vulcan mama’s boy scene.

Captain thinks he’s in love with his ship. Not worried. Starfleet brainwashing no match for half-Elven princess with big boobs.

Too bad “naked time” didn’t mean what I hoped it would.

DAY 16

Letter from Arwen. Eowyn and Faramir just left after yearly visit. Brought foot toupees for kids so can play Hobbits. (*So* glad not there to see it.) Aragorn thinks it’s disrespectful, Arwen says foot toupees smell worse than real Hobbit feet. (Arwen such a bigot.) Says Eowyn getting way too butch (Arwen obviously jealous), Faramir spending every weekend with Riders of Rohan (jealous again), and Eowyn still not p.g. Big surprise. Not.

Wonder if Faramir still carrying torch for me. Probably. Everyone else is.

DAY 17

Spent all day rehearsing in rec hall. Why are musicians such flakes? And so grabby. Lighting technician clueless about lavender eyes, chorus boys too busy hitting on each other to learn steps (almost as bad as Elves), stage manager thinks he’s Ghod. They know I’m introducing a new number tonight, you think they’d be a little cooperative. Also, am not happy about Vulcan lyre in *every* song, just so Spock will feel included. Can’t he go play with Uhura and her All-Girl Band? Lower decks probably very appreciative of amateur efforts, esp. gamma shift.

Must have Captain sign directive forbidding musical arrangements that feature Vulcan lyre.

DAY 18

“Bad dress rehearsal = great show” proved true. Gave fabulous performance. Captain gave me roses and invited me to dinner in his quarters. Chorus boys *so* jealous.

What to wear?

DAY 19

Fabulous sex all night long! Won’t be able to sing a note tonight. But who cares? We’re engaged! 😀

Jim did “attention all hands” to announce it. So cute and sweet. Everyone very happy for us, although obviously jealous.

Spock tried to ruin it with snide remark about “better living through silicone” and looked right at my chest. Lucky for him I’m not petty enough to report it to Jim. But for your information, Mr. Science Officer-Geek who can’t get a date unless the woman is stoned out of her mind on spores, MY BOOBS ARE NOT FAKE!

Note to self: Have Jim sign Certificate of Authenticity and make sure Spock sees it.

What to sing at wedding? WHAT TO WEAR? Eek!

DAY 20

Tacky engagement ring. Quel disappointment! Hope it’s not the same one he gave Ruth. And Miramanee. And Janice Lester. And Jan Wallace.

What’s with women named Jan?

Not worried. I have big boobs, he has big cock–will live happily ever after, I just know it!

Re: My big, fabulous, and very real boobs. Left Cert. of Auth. at science station. Heard later that Spock quit the band. No more Vulcan lyre. Yay!

Sent picture of Jim and me to Arwen.

DAY 21

Smelled Vulcan incense coming from next door. “Meditating.” Whatever. Decided incense would cover smoke smell so burned old love letters. Felt bad about never reading Quickbeam’s, but Entish poetry way too long and Hoom Hoom Hoom not very romantic. Cried over picture of me with Riders of Rohan. Wish Jim knew I was fraternity sweetheart. Would be *so* jealous. R. of R. coolest frat ever.

Threw engagement ring into fire (just checking!), no fiery letters (whew!), but stone melted!

Note to self: Have Jim authorize emptying petty cash for better ring.

DAY 22

Fabulous sex all night long.

Spock in a snit, moved to different quarters “to get some sleep.”

Obviously jealous.

DAY 23

Letter from Arwen. “Concerned” about my engagement. (Jealous, jealous, jealous. Must send more pictures of Jim.) Says I should reconsider, not easy being Elf-maiden married to mortal. (Lucky for her I’m not petty enough to repeat that to Aragorn. Poor Aragorn, always getting nose rubbed in her big sacrifice. *So* pussy-whipped. Isildur probably rolling in grave.)

Sex not so fabulous last night. Something wrong?

DAY 24

Ewwwwwwwww! It was Janice Lester in Jim’s body!

Does this make me a lesbian?

DAY 25

Jim back in his own body. *So* glad. Fabulous sex all night long.

Not happy about Lester and other crazy ex-girlfriends. Searched Jim’s quarters and found about a gazillion love letters. Too bad Spock not meditating next door, would have burned them. Save Jim the trouble.

DAY 26

Letter from Arwen. Has put Rivendell up for sale! Says they never go there anymore. (Told her ages ago too far from Gondor for weekend retreat, should have bought Isengard even if Uruk-hai asking an arm and a leg.) Says can’t come to wedding. (Like she’s invited. Hope whole weird family stays away. Too embarrassing.)

Put on tightest sweater and went to the bridge. Jim took one look and crossed his legs about a dozen times. Didn’t even notice he was signing pre-nuptial agreement.

Fabulous sex all night long. Surprise benefit from J. Lester body swap: Much more attention being paid to my clitoris! Go, Jim!

Wonder if Jim will order temporary gender swap for all male crew members? Maybe in fine print under cross-training…

DAY 27

Saved the ship today! Aliens turned crew into crumbly boxes, me included. Jim wanted explanation of how I saved the ship when cubed. Told him used to be a UNIX sys admin. Not sure he bought it.

Must come up with better explanations in future.

Note to self: Buy more bobby pins.

DAY 28

Jim gone all day. Came back wearing tacky gold vest. Said he was stuck in the Mirror Universe. Right. Later caught him prowling around Lt. Moreau.

No threat. I have bigger boobs.

DAY 29

Moreau transferred.

Accused me of forging Jim’s signature on the order! Like I’d have to.

DAY 30

Letter from Arwen. Big scandal. Bag End Bed & Breakfast closed down. Apparently not really a B&B. Lobelia in jail, town council afraid she’ll publish her diaries, Farmer Maggot dropped out of mayoral race, Sam running for re-election unopposed. (Would love to know more! Dirty politics Hobbit-style too yummy.)

Gimli made offer on Rivendell, plans to open day spa. (Spa without Elves? Gimli must be crazy.)

More fallout from Elves fading into West: Aragorn no longer worried about being out-buffed, quit going to gym. Has gotten rounder than Butterbur. Arwen says just more of him to love. What a dishrag.

Probably shouldn’t bitch about Arwen–no one else ever writes.

Wonder how Bill the Pony is. Miss him.

DAY 31

Have decided on June wedding! 😀

Must be extra-careful not to die before then. I know how these things go.

[End of part 1]


Part 2

DAY 32

Jim gone all day. Came back looking sad. Sang “Get Happy” for him. He didn’t.

Asked if I would like to play billiards, so went to rec hall, but big tournament going on and couldn’t get a table. Then he wanted to waltz. Too weird, told him “Forget it.”


DAY 33

Spock reluctant to restore Jim’s memory with mind-meld, but couldn’t refuse after I showed him orders Jim had signed.

DAY 34

Jim suspicious of “forget it” business. Asked if I’m half-Elven or something. Laughed it off. Not sure he bought it.

Must make extra effort to keep silvery tinkle out of laugh for a while.

Distracted him with fabulous sex all night long.

DAY 35

Saved the ship today! *And* my engagement! *And* no one suspects it was me! I’m so good.

No problem getting Elaan to wear necklace, but almost screamed at how long it took everyone to realize it was made of dilithium. AAAAGH!

Cried all over Jim afterwards. Made him think I was scared. As if! Troyian tears no match for mine. (Plus E. of T. has face like a weimaraner and tiny boobs. No competition.)

Had Jim sign promise not to let other women cry on him.

DAY 36

Letter from Aunt Galadriel. (Didn’t know West had mail service.) Uncle Celeborn furious, wants no more mortal in-laws, will disinherit me if marry Jim. (Inheritance = patch of ex-exchanted forest that will have to share with Arwen. Who cares. Uncle C. too mean to die anyway.)

Rest of letter just whining. Magic mirror not working, dying for news, Gandalf not returning calls, never hears from me, Arwen so good about writing, blah blah blah.

Hard to read, words all faded.

DAY 37

Jim gone all day. Dinner got cold. Got pissed off and threw it against the wall. When he came back, told him Spock did it.

Said he’d just been to Spock’s wedding and almost got killed so not in mood to discuss marriage plans. Told him risk is his business. Sang “Stout-Hearted Men.” Worked like a charm.

(Spock obviously unhinged by jealousy. Why else sudden interest in “fiancee” no one ever heard of before? Trying to prove something? Should have picked someone who wouldn’t ditch him at the altar. So pathetic. Will try to find him a girlfriend after wedding. Maybe Chapel? No, too icky to think about. Could end up with secret Vulcan half-brother-in-law. No way. Must call Droxine. She’ll date anybody.)

DAY 38

Letter from Bilbo. No one will publish his book. Has reconsidered my first-draft edits and wants to discuss.

Bilbo sweet, but no way. Can’t take criticism, never met an adverb he didn’t like, and argues about payment.

Headache all day today. Too stuffy in here, worse than Barrow Downs.

Note to self: Have Jim authorize landing party duty, but wait until nice planet.

DAY 39

Alien used Jim’s body all day while Jim’s mind stayed in big silver sphere in sickbay. Told him bad idea, but he wouldn’t listen. Alien using Spock’s body tried to kill Jim so could keep Spock’s body. (Hello? Paging Janice Lester!)

(Alien using Jim’s body lousy in bed. Would love to tell Jim, but afraid he’d take it wrong.)

Sent big silver sphere to Aunt G. Told her it’s a palantir. Tee hee.

DAY 40

Jim gone all day. Killed while stealing Romulan cloaking device. Luckily, got to sickbay in time to revive him with my tears. McCoy made nasty remark about “crying loud enough to wake the dead.” Obviously jealous of my medical skills.

On the bright side, being resurrected has made Jim super-loving. Signed deposit check for reception hall. Formal military wedding! Yay!

Fabulous sex all night long. Sang “Here Comes the Bride.”

Almost forgot today’s other big shocker: Spock showed up with Romulan girlfriend! Kinda snooty–refused to tell me where she got gorgeous black and white lounging outfit. Spock now smiling secret smile all the time and even being nice to me. Offered to rejoin the band. Told him didn’t want to infringe on his leisure time now that he has someone special. I’m so good.

DAY 41

Letter from Legolas! Lots of gossip, too bad no one here to tell it to. Merry and Pippin wrote tell-all, said Boromir hit on them in Fellowship days. Aunt G. all upset, says poor Halflings seeking closure.

(Ha! Didn’t mind being B.’s special little Hobbits when Orc arrows flying. Ungrateful runts. B. deserved much better death. Still wish I’d revived him with tears, but Aragorn said would send me back to Rivendell (Arwen! Ew!) if upstaged him one more time.)

Note to self: Never horn in on half-brother’s big Ring quest, even if better qualified to lead.

Legolas writing a musical called “Tinuviel!” Says I would be perfect as Luthien. (He’s right.) Asked me to postpone wedding and fade into West, at least for backers auditions.

(*So* tempted. Would kill to play Great-Grandma Luthien, haven’t heard good show tune in ages, and loved everything he wrote for Lothlorien Little Theatre. But don’t want to live that close to Aunt G., and Legolas kinda flaky sometimes. Probably designing costumes when hasn’t written score yet. Besides, am totally in love with Jim forever!)

Legolas laughed himself sick over Aunt G. and “palantir.” Says Uncle C. tried to get it to work all weekend!

Wish Legolas could come to wedding. Would kill to have him see Rand’s hair. Can just hear him. “Oh, honey, who put a curse on you?”

DAY 42

Landing party! Finally!

Aliens blonder than Elves (but no fashion sense), enslaved by big rock dragon called Va’al, fed it fruit and flowers. Wanted to tell them real dragons not vegetarian.

Jim blasted it. My hero! *Love* how he breaks prime directive every chance he gets. SF Command pretends to care, but does nothing. Not like Council of Wizards. C. of W. positively fascist about revealing special powers. Would ground Jim for 1,000 years.

Haven’t heard from Arwen in a while.

DAY 43

Close call today. Secret, tragic past almost revealed. Evil twin showed up, tried to take my place. (Suspect Arwen told her where to find me. Jealousy such an ugly thing.) Luckily, everyone thought she came from transporter screw-up. Got Jim to sign order to beam her out. Bye bye, sis.

Big celebration over my narrow escape from permanent transporter split personality. Good party despite tribbles devouring entire buffet. Caught Spock and Rom. girlfriend jerking off each other’s fingers behind grav crate. Yuck. Later overheard him ask Jim about double-dating. Super-yuck.

Decided to ignore geek-love and sang “One.” Twenty ensigns sang the patter and knew all the dance steps, too. (For once.)

I am *such* a singular sensation. With big boobs! 😀

Note to self: Have Jim sign regulation forbidding double-dating within chain of command.

DAY 44

Jim gone all day. Came back with story about being duplicated and having to short-circuit Chapel’s fiance. OK.

Why bother keeping big secret about tragic past, M. Earth, magic rings, etc.? Ringwraiths on fire-breathing horses starting to look pretty ordinary next to what goes on here.

Better keep quiet anyway. Penalty clause in NDA too ugly to think about.

DAY 45

Threw up this morning. Told Jim just pre-wedding jitters, but suspect I’m p.g.

Hope Janice Lester isn’t the father.

DAY 46

Letter from Aragorn. HUGE NEWS! Arwen left him, has faded into West! Aragorn devastated, can’t cope, kids screaming for foot toupees, can’t find them anywhere.

Poor Aragorn, but YAY!

Note to self: After wedding, find girlfriend for Aragorn. NOT Droxine.

DAY 47

Letter from Eowyn. Says I should come home and help Aragorn with kids.

No way. Little monsters look just like Arwen and twice as snotty. Too bad no cute kids in my family. Would love to have flowergirls in wedding.

Jim came by for lunch, suggested Jamie Finney and Miri. No, thanks. One chubby, the other pimply, and both too old for flowergirls.

Sometimes Jim *so* dense. Good thing he’s super-sexy and *so* in love with me!

DAY 48

Letter from Gandalf. Says stay away, kids already screwed up enough.

Fine with me. Hope he’s better at finding foot toupees than he is at guessing passwords.

Jim came by for lunch, almost saw me trying on wedding dress. Eek!

Big relief to be out of SF uniform for a while. Sick of wearing same thing every day. Reminds me of being on Ring quest, but with velour.

Note to self: Have Jim sign approval for new uniforms. Ask Legolas to design. Silver would be nice.

DAY 49

Letter from Aunt G. Threw big party for Arwen. Says palantir joke not funny.

Funnier than Aunt G.’s idea of cute joke. Tacky gag gifts to Fellowship *so* not cool. And Sam so sweet, actually thanked Aunt G. for magical dirt. Poor Sam. Who ever heard of magical dirt?

Hope Aunt G. doesn’t send wedding present.

Jim came by for lunch, asked me if upset to not have my family at wedding. As if! Jim *so* sweet, too bad only had time for a quickie. But still fabulous.

Have asked Uhura, Chapel, Rand, and Noel to be bridesmaids. All said yes and agree peach looks good on everyone. Seemed unclear on “maid” concept. Will probably have to do everything myself. As usual.

DAY 50

Letter from Arwen. Faded into West, went straight into rehearsal for “Tinuviel!” Playing MY role! Says will dedicate performance to me.


Jim came by for lunch, saw I was upset, was *so* loving and sensitive. Had fabulous sex all afternoon. (Drew Veil of Lorien around quarters so no interruptions.) Would much rather be with Jim than play my own great-grandmother in stupid Elf play.

Jim not happy about missing red alert. Oops.

DAY 51

Letter from Legolas. Ripped it up. Will design new uniforms myself.

Jim came by for lunch, picked a fight with me for no reason. Was ready to cast Wight spell on him and dump him in nearest barrow when saw spinning light hovering over us. Jim said arrived this morning, wedding gift from Uncle C. Thought it was fancy light fixture.

Can’t believe Uncle C. set Pynwiel of Uzildorn on us! Guess *he’s* OK with unleashing unspeakable evil on unsuspecting universe. Oh well, phasered into smithereens now. Go, Jim! Cave-troll toys no match for best captain in Starfleet and soon-to-be husband of me!

Felt all tingly after watching Jim annihilate Uzildorn’s Bane, so made time stand still for fabulous sex. Biggest Big O ever!

Afterwards, Jim went to bridge and fell asleep in his chair. Not surprised. Poor darling had been up for a year and a day.

DAY 52

Letter from Frodo. (Nearly cancelled mail delivery, but *so* glad I didn’t.) “Tinuviel” huge flop! (YAY!) Arwen sang like screeching Nazgul, can’t get a boyfriend, is throwing herself at accompanist. Frodo misses me, sends best wishes for wedding, made cute joke about wanting to see my ring.

Frodo *so* sweet.

Jim came by for lunch, doesn’t want ringbearer in wedding party, said too much fuss already. Oh, well.

Told Jim no sex. Jim not happy, me neither, but want him well-rested and hot for me tomorrow night.

Note to self: Send piece of wedding cake to Frodo.

DAY 53

Our wedding day! At last!

Was out-of-this-world gorgeous! Lavender trim on dress perfect with my eyes. Twelve-foot shimmery veil looked almost Elvish! (*So* glad didn’t have wedding in meadow or glen. Grass stains *so* not bridal.) Wore hair up in spun gold net, looked fantastic with red hair when took off veil for dancing.

Jim super-handsome in powder-blue tuxedo. Gold braid on sleeve *so* sexy. Wish he had more.

Note to self: Find out if Jim can sign off on own promotion.

Long-lost secret half-sisters–oops, I mean bridesmaids–very pretty. (But not distracting from me at all.) (As if!) Chapel and Rand loved poofy dresses with lace and bows, Uhura and Noel not happy. Too bad, this is MY big day!

Jim obviously moved when I sang “Endless Love.” Singing duet with myself kinda risky, but everyone thought it was ventriloquism and loved it!

Klingons attacked right before vows. (Suspect Uncle C. involved.) Jim in total hero mode, fought them off single-handed! (OK, I helped.) Finished ceremony, despite blood and gore.

Signed real name on marriage license. (Wanted to be sure it’s legal!) Good thing Jim doesn’t read Elvish, although was curious about my unusual handwriting. Told him still getting used to wedding ring.

Wish he knew his bride is really Kitwen Half-Elven, Royal Princess of Gondor, Tinuviel’s Heir, Scion of the Firstborn, and last of the Children of Light to walk among mortals.

But being Mrs. Captain Kirk *so* much cooler! YAY!

Reception lots of fun. Everyone in love with me. Spock’s Rom. girlfriend ran off with Andorian bus boy. Spock inconsolable, got sloppy drunk, kept moaning about “bitter dregs.” Hid his lyre, just in case.

Note to self: Call Droxine re: Spock.

After throwing bouquet (caught by Lt. Martine–have bad feeling about that), rode to white shuttlecraft on Shadowfax and Shadowfilly. So sweet of Aragorn to send them. Best half-brother ever!

Shadowfax says all well with Bill the Pony. Dating Shadowfilly’s niece Amy and doing birthday parties. Go, Bill!

Can’t wait to get to Argelius. Fabulous sex for two entire weeks! (Maybe more. Sex with time standing still = Mega-fabulous!)

Almost forgot. Wedding present to Jim: Sent bottle of tears to Delta Vega, revived Gary Mitchell. Jim *so* surprised.

Re: Gary Mitchell. What a hotty!

Note to self: After honeymoon, have Jim sign request for Mitchell’s re-assignment to Enterprise. Learn lyrics to “Torn Between Two Lovers.” Send pictures of Jim/Gary/me to Arwen.

IMPORTANT! Must put super-powerful “keep out” spell on above note. Jim much smarter than Gandalf.

Off to live happily ever after! *So* glad to be me. 😀

[The End]